header here

2012-01-31T06:44:00.006-06:00

someone shoot me in the face

plz

im dying

i hate everything but an apathy is working its way in, soon i will not hate anything because

i will be too preoccupied. fuck.

i know what its like to be dead

2012-01-30T20:23:00.003-06:00

chain smoking, craving chocolate, feeling fat and useless, have accumulated a huge library fine, something not good in the air.

2012-01-30T16:10:00.001-06:00

i want to leave.

2012-01-29T01:19:00.000-06:00

adaptive unconsciousness

2012-01-29T01:03:00.000-06:00

2012-01-28T20:25:00.005-06:00

must keep busy

where is my mind...

2012-01-28T03:53:00.007-06:00

2012-01-27T13:48:00.000-06:00

no good here

2012-01-27T06:51:00.002-06:00

not 2 full days even and eye needs to leave . mental sanity escaping

i am low

D:

2012-01-24T05:13:00.000-06:00

i had a really nice day. i walked around the beach and this huge cematary next to the kashbah, had a weird sandwich thing that i always get, sat on the rocks and watched the water and sunlight.

it was nice, but i am sad. i should probably go to sleep... its like 5 am and I have to be up around 7 whoops. I will have plenty of time to sleep on the plane though.

i feel a bit empty. hollow. hollow man. i am not sure, its a strange unwanted feeling but you feel what you feel and this is what i feel. idk, i dont want to be home but i dont want to be here right now , i just dont want to be anywhere.

2012-01-22T17:00:00.001-06:00

2012-01-22T15:43:00.000-06:00

when in morocco

2012-01-21T21:39:00.000-06:00

do as the moroccans do

breath breath breath

i feel better today. i had a pretty lazy one, but did venture out once to get some groceries and ciggs. life here is nice, i just have issues with anxiety and hell, i think anyone would probably go a little crazy in my situation. it isnt as if i dont have a shitload of stuff to do when i get back because i do, but i am forgetting (or trying really hard) about it and enjoying the rest of my stay

...

again.

it was funny, i was showing benne my ipod and how i can skype from it and make calls from skype on it so it is essential like a phone which is good and then julie calls me. its 8 hours earlier in ca, so it looked like a nice day where she was.

content and feeling better. that is good. cant lose it dude.

2012-01-21T11:17:00.000-06:00

2012-01-19T23:02:00.000-06:00

so for the third time today, i attempted to leave the country in vein.

i mean, what are you supposed to tell people. how retarded do i sound saying that I have missed 3 flights, 3 flights back home, and not one of them was my fault. Today was the biggest mistake, and Iberias way of saying sorry is booking me on a flight for next Tuesday for free. Um, thanks.....

not.

assholes. what the fucking hell. its not that i dont like it here, hell i like it better then where i live, but damnit i have A LOT of stuff to do and this is just delaying the inevitable work I will have to make up and its not like I am really having tons of fun going to and from the airport and that is so draining to go from Rabat to Casa to Rabat again and I cannot believe this is the third time I have had to do it. Shit, I mean I should have just extended my stay and relaxed instead of planning on leaving multiple times, all of which end up as failures.

OK welllll

I guess I am thankful for my cat, who I realllly miss who is at home waiting for me to pet him and feed him lots of treats. I spoke with my mother and she was very calm while I was very not. I know I know, it does not sound like a big deal, but this week is really important for me to be at home so I can set things straight at school instead of arriving in the middle of next week not knowing what the hell I am doing. I think Im already going to drop a class or two, I dont know, this is all way too stressful and I am very vexed and perplexed and sad and I really need to go home dude. I have no more of my back meds (I have to take one in the morning and one at night, and it helps), and Im running low on other things or I am out. I hate being dependant on like everything. I always need food because my blood sugar is low, I always need water because I feel dehydrated.

Man I am dillusional, all I am doing is complaining. Whatever, I can do whatever I want on this little polka dot site I guess.

Fuck, I am really depressed. Aside from things, sitting just where I am and just me and myself and I, I am not happy, I am feeling very worried and this stress is too much sometimes and I dont like it and well, here it is. What do I do with it, besides throwing it across the room at the wall. Im nestling it for some reason. IDK this is getting too deep, or maybe just really fluffy, but what I guess I mean is that present things can echo past feelings and associations and I just feel like total shit and I feel useless. And I feel like an idiot. A big gigantic fucking idiot, even though I didnt really do anything wrong, this would be how an idiot feels. Im going to sleep I just dont even want to wake the hell up.

depressing post is depressing.

2012-01-18T13:20:00.000-06:00

2012-01-18T12:24:00.000-06:00

2012-01-15T05:17:00.000-06:00

we]ll meet n our dreams...

2012-01-15T05:04:00.000-06:00

So the day has come when I have to leave. It is just past 5 AM and I have about completed packing up my luggage. i anticipated a battle wth it but fuck, that took forever and was every stressful as I seem to have bought way too many things...

something for everyone and thngs for me. get to see my cat tomorrow! 24 hr transfers and layovers and tm warp zones then ill be home.

fuck.....

but i am so happy in this moment, a sorrow but a completed one if that may
make
any sense.

i get attached, familiarized, sentimental, and its hard sometimes. im still trying to figure out exactly how i process things, as then would be the result of finding the ultimate coping mechanisms for times of disaster...

yeah my bad just rambling, kind of dilusional because of no sleep and a long day yesterday or the day that was earlier today. i do not want to leave!

2012-01-11T18:48:00.002-06:00

bday. 25. hmm. it was a good day

2012-01-08T04:52:00.000-06:00

2012-01-06T19:19:00.000-06:00

aujourd'hui

2012-01-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

FML
FUCK EVERYBODY I HATE EVERYTHING FUCK

if you can make it through the night theres a brighter day

2012-01-04T19:36:00.003-06:00

everything will be alright if you hold on
its a struggle everyday
gotta roll on

tupac

phish 2010

forget being positive today fml and fuck everything i could jump off a bridge but alas i am not leaving my room today im going to listen depressing music and sulk cause i suck and so does this shit that calls itself my LYFE

rock the boat rock the boat

2012-01-04T16:54:00.000-06:00

i need an upbeat non depressing post me thinks. well today we had no hot water and the internet went out last night and i had no heat so that was a little .... annoying. wtf i pay 250 a week to stay at the school residency apartment when i could go get my own apartment here for like nothing but next time cause im lazy but ah i needed a shower and did not sleep well no today was a bleby day (new word).

ANYWAY. pluses... the weather ! it is always usually very predictable and it has only rained twice i think since i have been here. the days are nice and sunny and now that the winter s. has passed the days can only be getting longer though very gradually but hey that is something.

damn. i dont wanto to go home but i do but then i dont but i still do. i miss my cat!!! and the art museum i go there so often during the week. i miss amanda and sarah my sister lisa who s 90 days sober today! comas not working this is annoying!

anywho i am alive and well and really enjoying living over here away from my life in america god bless america more like god HELP america!!! healthcare here is better the pace is more managable and not as fast fast go go go and things are cheaper people nicer yeah i am really enjoying not seeing confederate flags or racist people here and you dont need an id like ever to buy ciggs alcohol and insurance cards you dont need ether my doctor visits are 120 dh thats um 15 dollars. and you wait not an hour but 5 or 10 minutes.

sleeeepy.

501 posts

2012-01-03T23:03:00.003-06:00

longgg jourrr ahhh

henri matisse
NY tmes art

today: different tones and hues overall not the best day but whatever tomorrow s another one. not that anything in particular happened but it was one of those days. tiring but schools exhaustng some days though its over fr√day !!

50-famous-artists-thinkers-who-have-struggled-with-depression

new year

2012-01-02T13:58:00.005-06:00

doors

Rabat Jan 1

so this is the last week of the intensive arabic course and my days are going to be very long until friday afternooon. even though it is school it requires work .. i dont give a shit. its so much better then havng to do the million things i attempt at home though i do miss places all places really the art museum work the parc my shed ect. it very nice here though and i enjoy it. then i will get to do whatever for a while it will be nice

2012-01-02T02:32:00.000-06:00

Alas, I'm updating on my iPod laying down hoping to pass out soon. I am the only student in both if my classes, and it's an intensive course so what I'm trying to say is that the weekdays are very long. I can read Arabic now and say some greetings and random words! I am quite happy about that, I really am learning a lot. Anyway, damn I don't want to wake up in the morning. So happy new years. My roommates Ge and Diana and I went out for the afternoon, it was nice. We went to the merino souks ate dinner then back here. I had to clean and I can't say that I really did much else. I was feeling off idk. It's just stress or agitation but manageable and yeahhhah

a new years eve encore

2011-12-31T17:47:00.000-06:00

coupe de coeur

2011-12-21T02:30:00.003-06:00

c'est ca, it's that, not a coup de foudne, an intense falling in love sensation. the former is nostalgic, a romantic notion of what i could guess to be either platonic or sentimental or a romantic romantic. it is hard to explain.

i am enjoying it over here. i have difficulties, but that would be anywhere in the world, but i like it here. i had a long day, as most weekdays are, and i really need to get to sleep. christmas is this weekend and i wouldn't really even know it. i really am missing little christmas things i thought i would not, but i guess it is because I have always been home for christmas. i'm missing a big commercialized holiday though and there will be others. im doing a bad job of journaling, but damn i am busy. not only do i have things to do here, fun random things i want to do here, i have to do other things like make sure i do exercises because i'll be going back to pt when i get home and i already kind of feel out of shape, but i have been used to 3-4x per week of it and i'm naturally lazy so doing things on my own takes getting adjusted to.

i;'m tired, its like almost 3 here soon . school day! eh. but its ok

friday finally

2011-12-16T07:33:00.006-06:00

yesterday i did end up bawling at school, thankfully there are only 2 girls in my afternoon class! i went to the eye shop on my break and of course it was closed for the time being, came back to school and had forgotten something in the taxi and just fuck fuck fuck, what the hell, who the hell am i and why is this my life, this melange of shit that I cannot seem to keep together. I don't know, I have had some interesting moments and I was sad on Wed night, but I feel better I suppose. I really do love it here though and the people, and my problems have nothing to do with what is around me but rather I feel like I am creating all of these issues for myself but alas, cannot spend forever dwelling on it.

There was going to be an excursion to the Sahara this weekend but not enough people signed up, which is actually ok because I was really stresses as that is one of the thngs i MUST do and I was not going to get my glasses before we would have left. I want to go to see the stars, to see the moon, to feel and be alone in a kind of peace that well, I would like to experience around a lot of sand and clear skies. Alas, there will be another opportunity.

Sometimes I feel so fast, I can think and think and I will land in a hole, and I do not know. Enough of this, thankfully I have had too many other things to do to really be fully engulfed in whatever is going on in my mind.

Yesterday after school was a nice day. We went to the souks again and then where I live, got pizza and stuff and went to another apartment and it was fun but I left around 11 or something with two other people as I had a quiz today and since I am in a class by myself in the morning for grammar, I didn't really want to show up being an idiot.

00000000000000
I cannot believe it is December 16. When I look outside, I see a sunshine so bright and weather so nice, and I think of the cold the isolation in Virginia. This time last year I was not feeling or doing very well, I would only have Sarah or Amanda see me and Lisas trips in and out of rehab began the day after my birthday. It is nice to be away, but I am pissed that my other sister Jamie cannot do little things like take back my library books, as I now have accumulated a huge fine. Whatever.

Whattt elseee. I really like where I live, it makes the distain for Virginia grow. I have signed up for classes next semester and then in the summer I am planning on a Holy Land cruise, Italy with Amanda, and then moving *let's hope to God, to New York.

I love both of my rommates (one, the girl from South Korea, moved with a host family this week, and Gi proposed that I go to France with her for Christmas. I am thinking about it!!!

I still cannot see very well, obviously, as I have yet to get my new glasses, but there aer trees outside of the window facing me and the flowers are red and tulip=ey and they look very nice. It is a nice day, I have a nice life, I am thankful for said nice life.

Hier

2011-12-15T03:16:00.002-06:00

Was interesting. it was rushed. I slept in because I did not go to sleep until almost 5 AM. The coolant or whatever the hell thing in the bathroom was leaking, Ji and I had to empty the bucket every so often, "we make memories". I missed both of my classes so I am behind... even more. I had to see my French doctor lady, before that I got sidetracked as I was walking there because I found a really nice bookstore finally. I bought some books, a really nice French-Arabic Quaran, bookmarks, other things, then went about the day. I took a taxi to school then I had to go back out to stop by the eye doctors, and when they fixed the water I went to the apartment to take a shower.

This is rather boring, the inane details of my everyday travels struggles and trying to get bys. I went to the souks yesterday with some people from school, i got some nice things, then I went home. I went back out, I like to explore and walk around and it is nice to be alone to think but the thinking, I would not say negative, I don't know, I was sad. I am not sure if it's that I am tired of being me, I like being me, but I am tired of being a fuckng idiot. The hassles I bring to myself are sometimes too great and my anxiety and stress ball into a big rubber band

fuck

2011-12-14T08:53:00.002-06:00

so the last 24 hours have been interesting. i have to go to the eye shop now to get new glasses but alas, i will update sometime. or not. idk, i am a busy person over here le sigh le groan le bleh

ah it's too early for this!

2011-12-13T03:19:00.003-06:00

insomnia still persists, rather it's just me and my racing mind wanting to stay up forever and accomplish/waste time. it's 9:20 am here and I have class today from 1030-1230 (mostly grammar) and then 2-4. The days at school pass quickly, as I am really enjoying them. I have some homework I have to finish in a minute, but I need to update! So yesterday was a good day at school, and then I stayed after until around 730 (yes, very late!) so I could write emails and do other annoying things.

Took the taxi home, as per usual (a 10 minute ride, usually only 10 dh, super cheap considering 1 US dollar is equal to 8 dh). I didn't go straight to the apartment but rather walked around, went to to shops (
Tea and food with my roommates, it was nice. Then, of course I am an idiot and didn't go to sleep until around 3 AM, only to wake up at the lovely hour of 7 AM (7 14 to be exact) and the driver picks us up from the apartment around 740 and we get to school, have breakfast, and here I am. I am sad because a few people I really like here are leaving on Saturday, so I am baking them cakes on Thursday! I love to bake and now that I have found the big market, all is good. In the neighborhood. I live in Agdal and it is a very nice part of Rabat.

Ok, I have to do my homework, but I am really enjoying my time here. The school is small and I like that because you get to know who everyone is. I am crazy and loud and sort of insane, but that is ok! There are only two other people I have really talked to that are from the US, my roommates are from Hungary, South Korea (though she just left yesterday to move in with a host family, sad face, she is very nice), and France. We are the smokers, and I love them all!

Ah, shit. Mes devoirs... I must do. I will update more later! I need to find the damn post office. Yesterday I finally got something to use to charge my mac and today the mission is the post office. I have bought many presents already for people, and I need to mail this shit out!!

I love it here and I just wish my friends could come! Everyday is a nice day, and the people here are very kind. I love it.

holla de Maroc

2011-12-12T04:45:00.004-06:00

In Morocco and I love it!!! And Monique, my love at school, from Germany, is also a Hello Kitty fanatic and she gave me her German HK advent calendar since I will be here for Christmas, as she is leaving this Saturday *sad face for her leaving, happy face for HK*

I am going to try to update more here

This weekend there was a school excursion to Marrakech and it was so fun! This weekend, the SAHARA!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH YAY!!!!!!!!!!! THE STARS LA LUNE

F AMERICA
YAY MOROCCO

*it says like 4 or 5 am, but its 10 48 am here, ah, je suis tres fatigueeeee

Leaves of Grass

2011-10-19T03:37:00.001-05:00

i've had a very long drawn out week, and i've only really completed two days of it. it's fall break thursday, so I have had midterms and various other things to do before then and have been working on minimal sleep, eating too much sugar,

back ache.
it is ok, though
...

i am feeling the air of something. of what and its projected duration, I do not know. on a happier note, last sundays sadness was quickly forgetten into the week as I have accumulated 10000 more things to do.

chiaroscuro

2011-10-12T09:36:00.002-05:00

rainy day out

can i please have a day where i don't do anything

2011-10-09T13:10:00.002-05:00

i'm feeling down today.
sort of worrying ..

i have so much stuff to do,

Picasso’s Les Noces de Pierrette is among the artist’s blue period, including some of his most famous works. At the time, Picasso was facing poverty and the loss of a close friend who had recently committed suicide. It was works like this that would prove cathartic for the artist- and lead him to wealth later in life.

today is a nice fall day

2011-10-08T14:29:00.003-05:00

nar

it really is. not cold and the sun is bright and yeah, but i am very busy today le sigh. this morning art museum 930-1230, then met luke at the convention center to go to the indian festival. i wanted to buy so many things, but alas i have spent too much money this past week on random things. now at the vcu library trying to do some stuff before i go to work tonight. so today kind of sucks...... but it's ok. tomorrow i have to like study all day, i'm making up an exam for a class i took like a year and a half ago, so i can get an A. Yeah---- means relearning all the shit! as if i don't have enough stuff to do.

so i like october, and i am not sure if it is strange that i often (well, not obsessively but sometimes) think about what i was doing last year or the year before at this time. not trying to do a personal reflection right here or anything, but hmmm,. i am dehydrated today and feel kind of crappy. i had to work yesterday morning/afternoon, i had pt before that, did some stuff after, took a nap, was too tired to do what i had planned and fell asleep. i did clean though. my desk room "office" painting, studies and general internet perusing (also eating) get done there, and it was becoming a mess. i have too much stuff. then my room. i have too many clothes. i have too muach everything. damnit i'm tired and it's still like mid afternoon. i kind of want to leave the library now. i haven't even done anything except pick up a book on reserve for me (legacy to ancient eyptian art- just glanced at it, it has shiney nice pictures, and check my email.

need more hours need more hello kitty stuff neeeeed but i am ok, i have a lot of stuff to do before i leave, it is so crazy!

2011-10-06T18:53:00.002-05:00

I love the end of thursdays... thurs: class 930 to 1045, french 11 to 1215, painting, work. At work now and I'm glad its a slower night because I feel like being lazy. Last Thursday by the time I got to work, I immediately went into tatmi (a private raised space where there are 2 tables for 4 ppl each and you sit on the floor) and passed out. Had at least a good 50 min nap before I was needed to attend to needy customers. I hate when people are so unsatisfied for no reason, no reason at all and then they're all like I want to speak to a manger,sorry that's me right now idiot. Ahhh... anyway, not to dwell on the bad. Today started rough cause I didn't get to sleep until around 330 or 4 and woke up at 7. Had a french exam, it went well, then on my break between french and painting I went to a new wal mart (disappointing cause no hk plushies there) and another store. Since it was nice out we painted outside across from the hesterfield building or where cous cous, bookstore are. It was pleasant outside on my blanket. At work now kind of reading and doing misc things. Hmm I'm bored I guess. This is boring. This post. Post over.

2011-10-05T23:15:00.004-05:00

i'm busy everyday. all the time.
everyday.

oh my god.
im so tired.

less then 2 months til MOROCCO
ahhhhhhhhhh
soooooooooo
much work. to do.
before then.

but.

morocco! Rabat Dec3 after investigating ........ i had to pick a place. and this will be fun.

fml

2011-07-31T12:06:00.002-05:00

it's gloomy outside and inside my head. things are fine ... it's just one of those things a little time will fix and standing still with things now is making me reflect and miss.

the magic of each moment

2011-07-30T17:14:00.002-05:00

Stuck in a fabric bubble. life is going, I'm going with it and its ok.
A little crushed today but it will be alright. My friend is back from ca,
had pt and a long nap today.
oye @wrk
need some strawberry gum

2011-07-18T17:21:00.003-05:00

I can't believe August is creeping up. Scary.

I started physical therapy on Friday and I will be going 2,3 or 4 times a week. My PT is really nice and my appointment today was amazing!!! I left feeling really good and relaxed. It is nice because sometimes I wake up with really terrible back aches that persist throughout the day. The appointment was also at 4, so it was after work and felt good. Massage, some simple exercises, and then they hooked up something to my back--not sure what it is called but its like 2 of those ekg sticky thingeys on your back and then a cord hooks up to a machine. Anyways, it tingles a bit but feels really good.

School is in a month, can't say I am very excited about going back. It's just the hassle of school that I hate I guess. Or, I don't even know. This is it though, I need to finish and move on.

Random update was .... not a very good update but yeah.

Hey...

2011-06-26T03:01:00.001-05:00

"reach for the stars and if you don't grab them at least you'll fall on top of the world"

from a song i dont really like on the radio.

uh

2011-06-02T23:00:00.005-05:00

the moment when you read an entry and are like wtf i didnt write that, and then proceed to delete the post. cause ya really did write it...

spring. and today is spotty dottys birthday

2011-03-22T00:03:00.004-05:00

i ate some italian cream cake. then i read the label and it is very bad for you. then i had some more.

spring is here, so is my dad until april. good things to come i hope ...

2011-02-22T20:29:00.004-06:00

http://meowmania.jqln.org

click on the white screen

happy

2011-01-07T10:36:00.002-06:00

new years to everyone and birthday to me. things are alright... stagnant. having my own issues about some things, lucky to have some friends i can talk to about it. things will... be.

2010-12-30T01:15:00.000-06:00

merry christmas

2010-12-25T21:31:00.000-06:00

2010-12-12T22:56:00.000-06:00

2010-12-12T22:32:00.001-06:00

a new week tomorrow

2010-12-08T16:03:00.001-06:00

please remove yourself from my life

2010-12-07T22:47:00.003-06:00

a totally insane person somehow had the free time to send me the most mood altering bipolar texts from around 1 pm til around midnight yesterday. besides that, my week has been filled so far with food and rest.

weekend

2010-12-05T18:16:00.002-06:00

friday night amanda came over, we went out for a little and then got stranded at wal mart because she locked her keys in her car. i needed to get gum. yesterday i did not feel very well, today i was mostly tired. my sisters and i did get pictures for christmas this weekend to mail to my dad. he won't get to come home until, well i am not really sure. he is in qatar. i hope this coming week is ok. pretty boring blurb

today was a day where my back ached

2010-12-02T23:22:00.001-06:00

today was a shit day largely due to the fact that i really wasn't able to go to sleep last night until around 7 or 8 am. i woke up around 10 30 am, took a short short nap, just felt very restless and awful in general. it's absolutely the worst when you want nothing more to pass out but you're wide awake for some reason. i did some things with my mom today, i <3 her, and kind of just did nothing. thankfully sarah was able to work for me so that was nice. i am determined to make tomorrow a better day, im tired of feeling like shit. hopefully i will be able to sleep for like 12 hours or something, that is the plan anyway. i have a few paperworks things to do tomorrow and then lettering just cause i have so much damn stickers and stationary.

wth

2010-12-02T05:50:00.000-06:00

holy shit i have been trying to sleep for hours to no avail its almost 6, should i just go to mcdonalds and hang out with the old people? I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP FML laptop going back off

2010-12-02T01:40:00.000-06:00

2010-12-01T20:24:00.001-06:00

work tonight and tmw night
niwanohana have best sushis.
and hello kitty decorations

gotta make it over

2010-11-30T12:45:00.000-06:00

2010-11-29T15:58:00.001-06:00

2010-11-28T21:27:00.000-06:00

2010-11-26T23:38:00.000-06:00

2010-11-26T19:58:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving; our table did not make it

2010-11-25T18:47:00.001-06:00

so i was finishing up eating, my mom was outside, lisa was upstairs and i kept hearing noises coming from the table but i just figured it was nothing. well, the glass table totally broke in half! omg, thankfully it was just a few dishes that fell off with it including my plate and my phone landed in the stuffing. i screamed and like half the kitchen table was in my lap. the other half was still propped up thank god with a lot of food.

wow, i cannot believe that happened, how totally bizarre. lisa made some good food and we korean stuff as well. jamie came by with some more food not too long ago and i showed her my hello kitty stuff from the beach hehe.

2010-11-25T13:29:00.001-06:00

2010-11-25T03:49:00.001-06:00

i want some korean food right now.

a real entry

2010-11-25T03:37:00.000-06:00

hks on my bed ... hehe

god cannot fuckin SLEEP! well happy thanksgiving to all. haven't had much to say lately, hell i don't even have very much to say right now. i had an awesome weekend though and wish i could go back to it--- stayed at the jefferson hotel friday night and saw railroad earth at the national. they were awesome. went to norfolk saturday and totally had a hello kitty shopping spree at the mall, then went to the beach and ate the most bangin seafood and sushi and stayed in the pimpest hotel. there was an awesome light show thing on the beach but unfortunately my camera has been dead since halloween because i cannot find the battery charger anywhere, and my phone was dead by then so i wasn't able to take any pictures. it is sort of pissing me off. then came back to richmond on sunday and it was time to face the reality that i was back. i do not like reality sometimes and not right now. i was totally depressed after having a carefree, pampered weekend with a friend that i just couldn't deal. i had a good day yesterday though (wed). Witt and I met up for coffee and bitched about life and went by hana for some sushi and to see sarah. later on lisa mom and i went to kroger to get some last minute things for thanksgiving and now it is like 330. fml.

though i am crazy and depressed, i am very thankful for my family. i love my sisters and my parents so much. my mom has been so helpful and supportive these days. my thoughts of wanting to blast my face off have subsided but i really need to work on my depression and anxiety. the winter is just very hard for me and it doesn't help that it gets dark at like 5 pm. at least i have a lot more hello kitty goodness to look at. i dunno, it sucks to feel such gloom and doom all the time but i am going to try and be more positive. i feel tired all the time but my mom's going to get me a gym membership so maybe i can actually motivate myself to go and work out and perhaps build some muscle or something.

the hotel we stayed at in va beach. we had a suite and it had a cute little kitchen and living room and bedroom. god i want to go BACK! but i am here... at least my family and friends are too. i love them so much. and hello kitty. god i love hello kitty. i fucking wish i was hello kitty!

2010-11-24T23:51:00.000-06:00

2010-11-23T23:49:00.000-06:00

what am i looking for

2010-11-22T15:52:00.002-06:00

2010-11-19T01:21:00.000-06:00

2010-11-18T23:40:00.000-06:00

2010-11-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

2010-11-16T15:43:00.003-06:00

i love HOT CHOCOLATE

sundays

2010-11-14T14:32:00.000-06:00

today is a nice day. i was able to get out of bed right before 2. today i am feeling tired depressed and lazy. i have no motivation to really do anything but then i will be depressed that i wasted the day. i am not too fond of going anywhere really, i have hit too many things recently. i just.... do not even know. maybe i will feel like doing something later.

2010-11-13T13:24:00.001-06:00

today

i went to the mall for 30 minutes. now i straight dont wanna do anything until i have to go to work tonight.

2010-11-12T23:23:00.003-06:00

yesterday i hit slash bumped into a red convertible on main street. in the beginning of september, i hit slash bumped into a car on west grace street....

i can barely talk about yesterday, i straight had a panic attack for like hours until i got home from work and was just freaking out and could NOT chill out. felt like i was going to explode. i just had a bad day and i cannot handle these things that happen and im pretty sure i am still really actually most certainly depressed... this has changed a little this week but seriously, i am just fuckin retarded

ok. well today was a much more calm day. i just worked at night witt came by so that was nice, i got some coffee before hand at this nice place on the corner. it was busyish but no one came near the end so i just came home. i have this gay work thing i should go to tomorrow (not for hana) but i totally dont need to. i just... i need more structure to my day. and this job would be easy. i will see, i may just need to chill for a while and get my head straight. amongst..... all of these hello kitty heads. i seriously have the warmest softer hello kitty blanket in the world and it says "i love hello kitty" hehe

FUCK

2010-11-11T19:15:00.002-06:00

day was a bad day.

2010-11-11T13:34:00.001-06:00

i love princess aiden. it is a nice day out but i am tired and i have to work tonight. hopefully i will be going to the hello kitty store soon, i need new stuffed animals and stationaries.

2010-11-10T16:20:00.000-06:00

i am surrounded with hello kitty things on my bed, i feel very safe. will just got me this big hello kitty laptop pillow thing so i can write letters on hello kittys face with there being a pillow underneath.

yesterday i had meeting with my advisor, then i went to the gardens, then i went to bryan park to meet sarah. i thought i locked my keys in the car but after having called triple A i later figured out the lock combination on the door and realized that my keys weren't really in the car, i left them near the water when i was throwing bread at the ducks.

that was interesting and annoying, then i went home to take a nap. amanda called me while i was sleeping to say she had 2 vip tickets for sufjan stevens! i had originally bought a ticket a while ago but sold it because i thought i had an exam last night in islam which i did which i am not even in anymore. yes. the show was nice, then i went to wal mart, they were out of my favorite gum, the strawberry trident. the forest hill one has a mcdonalds and they sell really good big pretzels now.

this is my life.

steal your face

2010-11-09T11:36:00.007-06:00

phish, portsmouth 2010

melt hard

.we made it to the shed, she put a glow stick spinner halloween head, it was halloween, propped it up. i was walking on the ends of the earth, sand was falling down everything was white. i let go and melted into her, melted onto the floor, we became the same person. only we really know i guess but that was my reality at that moment which time didn't even make sense. it was daylight savings too wtf. and the next day someone stole my mom's mailbox. no lie. no lie.

i was confused at first, i didnt want it because my reality and everyday thoughts were confusing me. last week if i would have died that would have been ok with me. i have been totally depressed and miserable. that is probably why i was in bed taking a nap on saturday afternoon until the hatter came over. omg- he came over. thankfully amanda did too. and lisa made me a bowl of vegetables, i remember eating them with my hands// it took me a long time. they were good.

i am totally amused at life right now, in this moment. it is a nice day today, i will try to do some stuff. it will be ok.

2010-11-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

phish august jones beach

2010-11-06T12:50:00.001-05:00

weighing more little, heavy in da head. or blank. or frozen. or something

2010-11-06T03:15:00.001-05:00

2010-11-06T01:37:00.000-05:00

and i dont sympathize

2010-11-06T00:52:00.000-05:00

cause you a simple bitch

2010-11-04T23:42:00.003-05:00

i like pony pasteur sunrises

i love my princess baby boy aidan

i need to go to the hello kitty store SOON!!!!

2010-11-04T23:16:00.007-05:00

when i look at hello kitty, even blood mouthed raver kitty, i think everything could be alright. i love hello kitty. all hello kitties.

man i have fucked up some shit this week but i don't even care right now. i have been too apathetic and depressed to do anything lately or even want to try and do anything. sunday was halloween and i remember waking up not wanting to do shit or figure out what me sarah/amanda were doing. well, it was a really good time. saw the disco biscuits in charlottesville, met up with my friend anna from vcu honors dorm days (everyone has actually done something except for me) and yeah... super fun ... next day. by night time feeling the same fuck and funk of sunday morning, wishing i just wasnt here, or that it was halloween again. this week sort of happened or unhappened i don't even know. went to work tonight and that was alright, my parents came in. my dad is already leaving tomorrow and won't be back until january of feb.

life seems mundane and i dunno scary. i like do not want to do shit i want to punch people in the face i want to just ignore everyone because i hate them all myself included. i am totally insane. and depressed. and sad. and i just don't really have any moves or plans left cause i want to fall into a pit in my bed. tbh.
fml omg

pony pasteur sunrise

2010-11-04T14:44:00.003-05:00

i need a plan

2010-11-03T02:22:00.002-05:00

the grass, denver august 2010

going to sleep, i love sleeping, wish i didnt have to wake up tmw. le sigh. le big sigh.

we'll meet it our dreams

2010-11-03T01:55:00.004-05:00

phish, not sure what show but sometime this summer

wanna see the inside of my eyelids permanently, don't wish for the sun to come up or that awesome twilight zone episode to happen where the sun goes away but it's really gonna come back and melt every bitch away. did shit today, went by work, ate a lot, weight is dropping though oh noes and school is bombing oh noes. i am too exhausted to take care of myself and responsibilities, having breakdowns everyday they are long and slow and painful. oh noes.... i have regressed to the age of 8. cover my face with stickers and give me a coloring book.

i dunno man. fuck. i need a hello kitty shopping spree like soon or right now. fml. down the toilette. run run into a wall push you back fall into a hole and do not pick me out. hate the winter, i hate the cold nights, i hate the morning i hate getting out of bed . i simply do not give a shit anymore about much. just living for other people, mostly my family, but that can't last forever really right. i need pink and green and a happy pill. or many happy pills. omg. why am i here.

2010-10-30T22:43:00.004-05:00

blast me off and blow me away cause i don't even wanna be here anymore

some days

2010-10-29T20:26:00.002-05:00

i just wanna shoot my face off, no lie. my apathy and lacking possession of a gun will prevent me to do such, but i just... don't even know.

well today is sarah and michael's birthday so we're having a party thing at work pretty soon when the restaurant closes. i just don't even know what to do sometimes, napping and sleeping have become my favorite ways to pass the time again.

something is wrong with me, nothing is, multiple things, who knows who cares. sunday is the discob in charlottesville that should be fun i suppose, amanda is also going to come to that should be some fun. life is GAY AH!!!!!!!

rainy

2010-10-27T21:28:00.003-05:00

sarah, 3 years ago? 4?

today was another day. i didnt get out of bed until 2 30 wtf, sarah apparently slept over on my floor but i had no idea. went to class, plus, didnt bring anything that was due, minus, but i think it will be ok. my dad came home tonight but he has to go to dc tomorrow and was really too tired to talk much. im too depressed to say much so that went alright.

i feel ok now though, watching the world series, trying to get this french homework done. it will literally be like one of the first things i do for that class all semester. my teacher is so nice so i'm going to try to do a good job on this but i kinda just wanna watch the world series and fall asleep sans thinking. it was rainy times with aiden in the shed tonight. candle lit cat food dinner for him.

disco b in charlottesville this sunday. sarah josh i think and i are gonna go together, i am kind of excited about that now that the week is getting shorter, thank you god. i don't know if i should be hello kitty or alice in wonderland or hello kitty as a bunny. this is... difficult. i sort of want to just go to my room and look for these outfits. i have a problem.

i wanna

2010-10-26T23:24:00.006-05:00

cry, but i have no feelings. i will always be disappointed in myself and shortcomings. the things and people that make me happy are.... my life. and hello kitty. we shall see how shit goes, if its down the drain, that really isnt much different then things are now. just sayin. there is an urgency to my apathy, im going insane, i am pretty much insane. maybe its bad but i feel at a point where , its just pointy and sharp. like the end of a freaking candy stick. i wish 5. you reader, have no idea. life shits brick and they keep falling into my head, not even on my face. i dunno what to do.

the world is big

2010-10-26T10:24:00.002-05:00

haven't had much to say really. friday night was really busy at work, saturday i slept all day, my bed, sleep, a safe haven for not having to deal with anything. sunday amanda sarah and i went to busch gardens and took michael and sundi from work. yesterday i felt an ongoing panic attack all day and went home early to sleep after i went to the gardens for 2 hours to do nothing. sleep. man, i don't know what i am going to do. i feel so little in a world that is moving fast, i want shit to slow down way down almost to the point of a pause. i have no desire to do anything nor see anyone. the winter is not my friend, school sucks and i am probably bombing everything. i need to be permanetly zoned out but i am fully conscious of each decision or indecision i make. i'm having mental breakdowns everyday, i am not happy, i am stressed and my inability to do anything about it except passing out at night is . not good. fuck me. fuck you. what the fuck am i going to do. can you feel the explosions coming out of my head?

i'm at crossroads now before french, sarah should be coming by soon. hopefully i am not late to class trying to find a parking spot but who cares really.

land of the lupes

2010-10-20T14:20:00.003-05:00

i am depressed. for being an idiot, being behind, i don't want to work, i don't like money or mean people. i dunno man, wish i could chill with my cat all day. does that not sound sad? there is no ambiguity in this, nothing too hard to grasp, ahhh

i miss summer

2010-10-20T10:12:00.002-05:00

phish, hershey june

denver, mile high festival august